Post-Fathers’ Day Confessional

Hey love.

I had a wonderful Fathers’ Day with you and your parents. I’m so grateful they don’t feel like in-laws, just extended family. I totally admit I was kind of bitchy all day Sunday. You thought it was because I didn’t sleep well Saturday night and wore (as usual) inappropriate footwear to romp around the city all day or that I was annoyed at the huge mass of people in Mike’s Pastry while trying to order a damn cannoli.

In truth, I was grumpy about it being Fathers’ Day and my inability to make you a father of your own this year. I want nothing more than to make you a Dad.

I wish my ovary hadn’t conspired against us. I wish I could go back in time and catch this at the pass. I wish we had it easier.

But then again, I suppose that wouldn’t be any fun, would it?

I know you’ve assured me that you’re not disappointed in me, that you love me no less, that it’s okay because there’s always next year. You’re a phenomenal husband like that.

It still stung this year. It hasn’t in years past, but just like Mothers’ Day this year, I felt that little tug in my chest, the hesitation in my breathing.

That pause -

- of knowing how this all was supposed to be. We fell in love at fifteen, for Pete’s sake! We had a swooning, epic, teenaged love affair with a dramatic break-up, only to be followed by a “this may as well have come straight from a rom-com screenplay” reunion, and then seven years of an amazing relationship, followed by a (very long) engagement and one helluva wedding.

Next stop: kids.

Let me clarify. Next stop: genetic kids. Little half-you half-me babies, crawling around with their luscious black hair, their pale, soft skin, and their giant noses.

This was the way it was supposed to be.

Like I said in my tear-soaked semi-meltdown Friday afternoon: those children will never exist. We have to live with ourselves knowing that Those Children we dreamed of one day will not exist.

I know it doesn’t necessarily upset you; I know you’re just happy to raise a family with me, no matter how we build it together. But it hurts me to know that I will never meet Those Children.

I put on my big girl pants and my brave face all the time but I think as we really start to get closer to treatment, all the feelings I’ve pushed aside in the name of advocacy have begun rearing their ugly heads. Mothers’ Day was just a warning shot really. Fathers’ Day has all but confirmed this for me.

I love you so fucking much. And even though I want nothing more than to be able to create what I consider one of the most ultimate expressions of mutual love with you – I can’t.

And it kills me to know that I can’t do that for you.

For us.

I could give you everything else you’ve ever wanted, but I can’t give you That Child, our half-you half-me baby. I would give my life for you and yet I can’t give you Children of Our Own.

So it wasn’t that I was too sun-kissed or that my allergies were a nightmare on Sunday. I was a beast all weekend because I’m struggling again with self-esteem issues in the wake of some otherwise very confident happenings in my life. Because I feel like a failure in the face of so much accomplishment.

And no matter how strong and beautiful and loved I may be, I carry this on my heart. It’s a heavy burden.

And I’m so grateful to have you carry this burden with me, to lighten my load and gladden my heart.

When we broke the wishbone leftover from Passover on Friday, I’ll tell you my wish, since I didn’t break off the bigger end:

I wished with all my heart this was the last Fathers’ Day we celebrate without a child.

—Yours always.

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Comments

  1. Elana says

    That was beautiful. I wish your ovaries would wake up and realize they're being silly. Have you considered even trying an IVF to attempt stimulation? Or are they saying it would be impossible? I've heard even post-menopausal women can do it sometimes…

  2. Esperanza says

    Wow. That was breathtakingly beautiful. I don't know what else to say (and it's hard to see the screen through my tears) except thank you for sharing that with us.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. You are in my heart and in my thoughts now and always.

    I also hope this is the last Father's Day you both celebrate without a child.

  3. Bernadette & Duane says

    What a beautiful post. I know that 50/50 feeling of being so grateful to have a wonderful husband who has never been anything but accepting of the fact that we need donor eggs, yet still being so angry, so frustrated, so sad that we have have been dealt this hand. All I know is that it has made us all the stronger of a couple. Best to you, Bernadette

  4. Bernadette & Duane says

    What a beautiful post. I know that 50/50 feeling of being so grateful to have a wonderful husband who has never been anything but accepting of the fact that we need donor eggs, yet still being so angry, so frustrated, so sad that we have have been dealt this hand. All I know is that it has made us all the stronger of a couple. Best to you, Bernadette

  5. Bernadette & Duane says

    What a beautiful post. I know that 50/50 feeling of being so grateful to have a wonderful husband who has never been anything but accepting of the fact that we need donor eggs, yet still being so angry, so frustrated, so sad that we have have been dealt this hand. All I know is that it has made us all the stronger of a couple. Best to you, Bernadette

  6. Bernadette & Duane says

    What a beautiful post. I know that 50/50 feeling of being so grateful to have a wonderful husband who has never been anything but accepting of the fact that we need donor eggs, yet still being so angry, so frustrated, so sad that we have have been dealt this hand. All I know is that it has made us all the stronger of a couple. Best to you, Bernadette

  7. Bernadette & Duane says

    What a beautiful post. I know that 50/50 feeling of being so grateful to have a wonderful husband who has never been anything but accepting of the fact that we need donor eggs, yet still being so angry, so frustrated, so sad that we have have been dealt this hand. All I know is that it has made us all the stronger of a couple. Best to you, Bernadette

  8. Bernadette & Duane says

    What a beautiful post. I know that 50/50 feeling of being so grateful to have a wonderful husband who has never been anything but accepting of the fact that we need donor eggs, yet still being so angry, so frustrated, so sad that we have have been dealt this hand. All I know is that it has made us all the stronger of a couple. Best to you, Bernadette

  9. Bernadette & Duane says

    What a beautiful post. I know that 50/50 feeling of being so grateful to have a wonderful husband who has never been anything but accepting of the fact that we need donor eggs, yet still being so angry, so frustrated, so sad that we have have been dealt this hand. All I know is that it has made us all the stronger of a couple. Best to you, Bernadette

  10. Bernadette & Duane says

    What a beautiful post. I know that 50/50 feeling of being so grateful to have a wonderful husband who has never been anything but accepting of the fact that we need donor eggs, yet still being so angry, so frustrated, so sad that we have have been dealt this hand. All I know is that it has made us all the stronger of a couple. Best to you, Bernadette

  11. Catherine Stine says

    Wow, intense post. I feel for you. There ae other ways to create a child–surrogate mom, for one? But I'm sure you've considered various possibilities.
    Holidays are tough for many people–different from the cheery ads and films that make them seem always sunny.
    I was #9 on that Blog-A-Licious tour. Glad I stopped over here!

  12. Sandy says

    This is so beautiful and heart breaking. Thank you for sharing this! Sending hugs your way!

  13. Oh diane says

    Wow, such a powerful and beautiful post. Thank you for sharing such a personal story.

  14. Sarah says

    Wow, that was beautiful. I am hoping and praying for you that next Mother's and Father's day everything will be better.

  15. justine says

    Oh. Keiko. So poignantly beautiful. This is such a gift to your readers, as well as your husband. You are such an amazing couple; the deep compassion couldn't be more evident. I wish that you didn't have to carry this burden. As much as you know what an amazing woman you are, I also know that your accomplishments can't make the reality of loss any easier. *hugs* to you.

  16. S says

    I can so relate to this post, especially this sentence: "I could give you everything else you've ever wanted, but I can't give you That Child, our half-you half-me baby." Wow.

    Even today, knowing that I am pregnant from our DE IVF cycle and that, G-d willing, we *will* be parents, I can still empathize with the pain of not being able to do that.

  17. Chickenpig says

    This is so heartbreaking. Having that baby made out of both of you, with your love, is everybody's right :( My husband and I could have saved ourselves a lot of time, money, and heartbreak if we had gone on to do IUIs with donor sperm rather than using my husband's with IVF, ICSI, and assisted hatching…and still having crappy fertilization results. But, we wanted that baby made out of both of us, and we got lucky.

    I know you will love whatever baby comes, however it comes, to make your family…but you have every right to grieve that genetic link. I'm so sorry for your loss.

  18. Mrs. E says

    This was such a beautiful post. I am sorry that father's day was so difficult, and I hope that your wish comes true this year.

    ps- I found you through your "What IF" video. What an amazing person you are. Thank you for being so honest and open about your journey. It means so much.

  19. robin says

    So beautiful… thank you.

    We are at the beginning of our process, but I have had some of these feelings already.