The Gift I Can’t Get My Husband… Yet.

I love giving gifts, to the point where I start to think very obsessively about not only the gift itself, but the gift recipient. I start thinking about all the little things I know about that person and how to make that gift the most relevant, awesome thing in their life right now.

Case in point: my niece turns two next weekend. Shopping for a two-year old is a bit of a challenge, but I’ve gone with a theme to her gift and have been buying pretty much every iteration of that theme every time I’ve left the house for the last month. I know my sister reads this blog, so I’m not spoiling the surprise. That said, I’m even getting a little DIY on this gift, just to make one part of it more age appropriate. Because again, shopping for a two-year old is a bit of a challenge.

I love buying gifts for Larry. He can be a tough one to shop for; it’s a safe bet than anything gadget-y, gimmick-y and/or related to homebrewing, Apple, designer men’s accessories, super cars/boats, experiential activities or video games will tickle his fancy. But he’s picky, like me: we like our accessories and gadgets and gifts just so.

I would love to buy him a Father’s Day gift this year.

But alas, another Father’s Day marches on, his Daddy title left unclaimed. Here’s hoping as our cycle moves forward slowly this summer, this is the last uncelebrated Father’s Day.

It’s easy to forget that yes, men have feelings, too. That yes, infertility sucks just as hard for them as is does for us. They might not be enduring 14 weeks of shots in the ass, but I can’t imagine it’s a walk in the park to be the one administering those shots. But we can’t forget about our guys on Father’s Day (or any day, for that matter). I write about how not to forget about your guy’s feelings on Father’s Day at the Overlake Reproductive Health blog.

I asked Larry how he felt about Father’s Day coming up this weekend.

“It doesn’t bother me,” he said, genuineness in his voice. “I don’t get bothered by it because I have no reason to celebrate it right now.”

For him, Father’s Day in the context of our infertility isn’t about loss. It’s simply a holiday that doesn’t apply to him. I wish I had that same kind of emotional fortitude, but then again, Larry’s always been the stronger of the two of us emotionally.

So we choose not to even acknowledge it. But like I mention in my Feeling Forgotten on Father’s Day post, I give him the opportunity to talk if he needs it, that emotional safe-space this is practically an unspoken understanding in our relationship.

“I appreciate that,” he told me this weekend, when I offered the space to talk about it. “But really? I’m fine.”

And when you’ve been with someone for 15+ years, you can tell when the “I’m fine” means “Actually, everything is not fine…” and when it’s genuine, as in this case. Sometimes I’m in awe of how emotionally well-adjusted my husband can be, given all of life’s crap sometimes.

So I won’t be getting Larry anything this Sunday for Father’s Day. In fact, I don’t even know what I’d be getting him, if I was getting him anything. I know I’d be obsessing over it, though, that’s for sure.

But as I remain optimistic about our cycle this late summer/early fall, I know I’ve got at least a year’s lead time to pick him out something swell.

For all the Someday Dads out there, thinking of each of you this Sunday:

Honor the Someday Dads

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  1. says

    Like you, I have a year to find the “perfect” first Father’s day gift. Even though our surrogate is pregnant, my husband won’t consider himself a dad (or me a mom) until the twins are born later this year.  Father’s Day has never really bothered him; it’s the birthdays that have been rough.  This year he turned 35, and realized that he’s more than twice the age his brother was when he became a father–and that was upsetting only until we found out that we’re finally going to be parents this year.
    He’ll never receive a tie for Father’s Day, though–this I vow.

  2. almostbatten says

    Like Larry, my husband has the amazing ability to not have the holiday affect him and sees it as holiday that simply doesn’t apply to him yet. I very much wish I could be like this on Mother’s Day, but he also understands that in some ways, this affects me on such a deeper level than him.  This year, we don’t plan on doing anything. My father is away, we are getting lobsters for his dad and we just plan on spending what time left  we have together before he gets his flight out for his new job. The adjustment to the new job (and the time we will regularly have to spend apart) will be hard enough, we just want to have the weekend to ourselves living in our little bubble before he has to leave.
    But I want to send out a special wish to all the someday dad’s out there: I’m thinking of you this weekend, too!

  3. JennyFord says

    Good point! you don’t really think about the whole they have in their hearts.  Here’s to wishing him a Pre Happy Father’s day!