A Wise Woman once told me: sometimes, you have to pull in your oars and let the river take you where it wants to go.
You have to let go of that control and instead be carried by – and ultimately, trust – the Universe.
There is no amount of wishing, praying, begging or bargaining that will change what’s happening in my womb. I cannot use magical thinking to produce stunning beta results on Thursday. Nature and/or G-d has already made that decision. Tomorrow’s beta is simply the quantification of happenstance biology.
Either it worked or it didn’t.
I can only hope that it did.
And until then, I carefully pull in my oars, feel their thud on the floor of my boat, lie back, and watch the stars as this night river pulls me along.
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In acupuncture last week, I switched up my routine. I decided to listen to a unique playlist of music instead of the Circle+Bloom mind/body mp3s. On this playlist is Mumford & Son’s Awake My Soul. While listening to this song, I had a very profound realization, an electric revelation that zapped through all five needles in my body, coursing through my nervous system and into my bones.
I realized that, no matter what happens tomorrow: it will be okay.
I will be okay.
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Larry and I have decided that we will wait until Monday to share the news – good or bad – on this blog.
This gives us time to process and make some necessary phone calls, texts and emails to a small group of close friends. There’s also the possibility that should my beta numbers be iffy, I might need a second beta over the weekend, so that allows time for that as well.
Also, I will be email/radio silent and social media dark on Thursday, except for a handful of pre-scheduled posts and maybe a Fourquare check-in or two. It’s not out of coldness or ungratefulness for all of your support; far from it. Team Zoll needs to turn the blog spotlight off for that day so Larry and I can focus on us. Please email, comment, like, and tweet away – I just won’t be responding to anything Thursday.
And no, I won’t be spillin’ the beans early via social media Friday through Sunday either; you’ll have to wait until Monday like everyone else
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I do have a post already pre-scheduled to go for tomorrow. And Friday, I have a very big, non-beta related announcement to share so please do tune in the next two days. Things will be happenin’ without my active presence.
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I can’t even describe the gratitude that fills my heart right now.
To be present in this moment. To know that there are so many of you thinking of us, cheering us on, rooting for Team Zoll. Rooting for these little balls of cells: our MVPs.
It brings me to tears: overwhelming, humbled, grateful tears every time I think about it. My heart has been overwhelmed by the love being sent our way. I know I cannot possibly thank every single person who has commented, tweeted, liked, shared – or even just thought a good thought for us once in a while. We are overflowing, carried away in a river of love and support that has meant so much to us.
This has been an incredibly long journey for Larry and I, a short one compared to those of you who’ve walked this road for many more years than us. And in just 24 hours, our journey moves forward on a new direction.
In 24 hours, our lives will be forever changed, just as they were 3 years, 6 months and 22 days ago.
I am so humbled, so grateful for this moment, however uncertain it may be right now. It knocks me to my knees and rocks me to my core.
All my heart wants to say right now is “thank you” over and over and over, tumbling from my soul with each heartbeat.
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Parting thoughts of gratitude and abundance:
“Raise my hands.
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head.
Keep my heart slow.”
- I Will Wait, Mumford & Sons
Abundance. Patience. Grace. Courage. Compassion. Wisdom. Light. Acceptance. Gratitude. Humility. Fearlessness. Worthiness.
Of what is.
Of what will be.
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No matter what happens, it will be okay.