11dp3dt: Pulling in the Oars

A Wise Woman once told me: sometimes, you have to pull in your oars and let the river take you where it wants to go.

You have to let go of that control and instead be carried by – and ultimately, trust – the Universe.

pull in your oars. trust the river. it will be okay.

There is no amount of wishing, praying, begging or bargaining that will change what’s happening in my womb. I cannot use magical thinking to produce stunning beta results on Thursday. Nature and/or G-d has already made that decision. Tomorrow’s beta is simply the quantification of happenstance biology.

Either it worked or it didn’t.

I can only hope that it did.

And until then, I carefully pull in my oars, feel their thud on the floor of my boat, lie back, and watch the stars as this night river pulls me along.

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In acupuncture last week, I switched up my routine. I decided to listen to a unique playlist of music instead of the Circle+Bloom mind/body mp3s. On this playlist is Mumford & Son’s Awake My Soul. While listening to this song, I had a very profound realization, an electric revelation that zapped through all five needles in my body, coursing through my nervous system and into my bones.

I realized that, no matter what happens tomorrow: it will be okay.

I will be okay.

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Larry and I have decided that we will wait until Monday to share the news – good or bad – on this blog.

This gives us time to process and make some necessary phone calls, texts and emails to a small group of close friends. There’s also the possibility that should my beta numbers be iffy, I might need a second beta over the weekend, so that allows time for that as well.

Also, I will be email/radio silent and social media dark on Thursday, except for a handful of pre-scheduled posts and maybe a Fourquare check-in or two. It’s not out of coldness or ungratefulness for all of your support; far from it. Team Zoll needs to turn the blog spotlight off for that day so Larry and I can focus on us. Please email, comment, like, and tweet away – I just won’t be responding to anything Thursday.

And no, I won’t be spillin’ the beans early via social media Friday through Sunday either; you’ll have to wait until Monday like everyone else :)

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I do have a post already pre-scheduled to go for tomorrow. And Friday, I have a very big, non-beta related announcement to share so please do tune in the next two days. Things will be happenin’ without my active presence.

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I can’t even describe the gratitude that fills my heart right now.

To be present in this moment. To know that there are so many of you thinking of us, cheering us on, rooting for Team Zoll. Rooting for these little balls of cells: our MVPs.

It brings me to tears: overwhelming, humbled, grateful tears every time I think about it. My heart has been overwhelmed by the love being sent our way. I know I cannot possibly thank every single person who has commented, tweeted, liked, shared – or even just thought a good thought for us once in a while. We are overflowing, carried away in a river of love and support that has meant so much to us.

This has been an incredibly long journey for Larry and I, a short one compared to those of you who’ve walked this road for many more years than us. And in just 24 hours, our journey moves forward on a new direction.

In 24 hours, our lives will be forever changed, just as they were 3 years, 6 months and 22 days ago.

I am so humbled, so grateful for this moment, however uncertain it may be right now. It knocks me to my knees and rocks me to my core.

All my heart wants to say right now is “thank you” over and over and over, tumbling from my soul with each heartbeat.

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Parting thoughts of gratitude and abundance:

“Raise my hands.
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head.
Keep my heart slow.”
- I Will Wait, Mumford & Sons

Abundance. Patience. Grace. Courage. Compassion. Wisdom. Light. Acceptance. Gratitude. Humility. Fearlessness. Worthiness.




Of what is.

Of what will be.

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No matter what happens, it will be okay.

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  1. says

    Great idea of having SOME control over the entire process. I am really rooting for you and hoping to get great news on Monday.
    And after reading your post, I truly believe it will be ok, no matter what happens.

  2. says

    Moments like these — your time on the acupuncture table in which all your senses are buzzing with the aliveness and perfection of that one point in time, your acute awareness of all that is and all that could be — THIS is why I started Perfect Moment Mondays.

    I cheer you on. And thanks for awaking my soul this morning. Eager to hear from you next.

    • says

      Acupuncture has made me even MORE aware of my inner self, of the hums and electrical pulses – it’s been remarkable. And what’s great is that I’m building the muscle memory of each session to tap into that deep relaxation and release as I need it – it still blows Larry’s mind that I go twice a week!

  3. says

    Oh Keiko, This post is awe inspiring. Your strength, poise and resilience bring (happy) tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. Thank you for sharing your incredible journey with us. I shall be waiting with bated breath to hear the results. Go TZ3!

    • says

      Lol, don’t you mean – beta’d breath? Ha! I kill me ;) In all seriousness, thank you so much for the support. I have found such peace in letting go – it’s really remarkable. Wishing you the same joy and peace right now :)

  4. says

    Team Zoll has been in my heart and thoughts through every step of this. You helped me so much so long ago when I found that video on youtube. You helped change my like in a positive way, you helped me embrace our diagnosis and introduced me to a world of support that I didn’t know existed. I only hope that my comments, thoughts, prayers and well wishes can make the smallest of impressions and help you in just some of the ways that you have helped me. Regardless of the outcome, even if I’m rooting for the positive results with everyone else, I hope that you and Larry find peace and happiness. Your strength and positivity amazes me and I will be patiently waiting til Monday. We understand the media blackout, completely. Come good or bad news, we are here, waiting and supporting. <3

    • says

      Kimberly, your comment has moved me to tears – thank YOU so much for your continuing support. It has truly meant a lot to me.

  5. says

    Such a beautiful post. I’m going to revisit it many times over the next few weeks and remind myself to pull in my oars – trust the river – and know it will be ok. Thank you so much for sharing your journey in such a public way. Wishing you the absolute best!

    • says

      Thank you so much. Best of luck with your retrieval tomorrow! Remember: just be carried. Just be carried. Thinking many wonderful harvest thoughts for you!

  6. Alexis says

    Will be thinking of you tomorrow and through the weekend. I have everything crossed for positive news on Monday. My wishes for you: Strength, love, courage and good news.

  7. Natalie says

    Thinking of you and Larry and the MVPs tonight and tomorrow. Eager for your pre-scheduled posts and your “live” blogging on the far side of the weekend.

    • says

      I still remember the night at RTT we talked about this. I’ blessed to know such Wise Women like you, to call you Sister, Goddess, Teacher. Love love love.

  8. says

    Yes Team Zoll, it will be okay.
    It will be okay either way.
    Flooding the Heavens and the universe with positive thoughts and prayers for TZ3, whether you are carrying your child(ren) now or if they may not come into your life until a bit later.
    I love everything you shared here and how Larry and you are approaching this next part of your journey.
    I look forward to celebrating with or coping with you after hearing the news.
    Either way, as you say, it will be okay. xoxo

  9. says

    Keiko, I blared the “I Will Wait” song in my car twice today, and the second time I made it a very loud meditation of my wishes for you this Beta. I am here, to carry you aloft (along with many, many others) either way. You are a hero.

  10. says

    Your post is an absolute inspiration to me as I await my first Beta tomorrow too. I’m keeping everything crossed for you, and I love you zen state x

  11. says

    I’ve been listening to Broken Crown in the car almost non-stop. They are my favorite band at the moment. I hope your beta went well yesterday!