I have been writing this post, over and over and over, trying best to figure out just how I was going to phrase my words to you today. There’s so much I want to say, so I imagine this will be a wordy post. I figured the best way to get through it all was to break it down into four parts: an announcement, a proposal, a prayer and a promise.
1. An announcement.
I know you have all been eagerly waiting all weekend for my beta results, many of you leaving comments at my Facebook page or some beautifully encouraging tweets showing your support and care. It has meant so very, very much to me and Larry and every time I got an email notification about another comment or another tweet – it just made my day all over again. To be loved and supported and cared for by this community has been simply overwhelming and humbling. Thank you all so much.
I won’t keep you in suspense any longer.
My first beta on Thursday came in at 255. My second beta 48 hours later more than doubled at 522.
For so long, the idea of typing those two words on my blog seemed like some crazy improbability, in the way that I knew that POF was an improbability all those years ago, I thought: it’s never gonna be me. And yet, here we are.
The smile on Larry’s face when we got the news over the phone: it’s an image of genuine shock, joy and relief burned into my brain I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget. Our parents and family are overjoyed. And as the news has settled in over the weekend, especially after the second beta, I’m just so excited and giddy and relieved and grateful and just plain joyful
Sore boobs, nausea, the occasional uterine twinge, a sense of smell that could put a bloodhound to shame and weird hunger/fullness issues: this actually feels real.
2. A proposal.
I am fully aware that the instant I typed “I’m pregnant,” the entire dynamic of this blog has changed. For many of you, I know the simultaneous joy and sadness that comes in seeing those words on another blog.
For those of you still waiting, still hoping: I have thought about you almost every second since I got the good news. It was thinking about you that caused me to write this over and over and over again, because I know how incredibly painful this post can be to read. I have worked very hard to cultivate an ALI-sensitive environment here because I care so deeply about each of you and I know that this very post really tests those emotional limits.
I know, because I’ve been there too. And I remember how I was at once both joyful and sad readings posts like these, longing for my own announcement one day, typing “congrats” and “mazel tov” through the tears. Believe me, I know now: I’m typing through tears as I write this post, in it’s tenth iteration at this point.
While this blog is very much about me and my family building journey, a chronicle of my life through the lens of infertility, it also exists for the infertility community and for each and every one of you. It has never been – and will never be – my intention to hurt any of you.
As such, I will continue to keep the essence of The Infertility Voice the same by moving detailed posts about my pregnancy to a separate page on this blog. However, I will keep some selected posts as they relate generally to pregnancy after infertility featured on the main page of this blog.
But those detailed posts about my pregnancy: belly shots, doctor’s visits, the joys of Crinone goop in your vag – all of that will now go under a new section on the grey menu bar above: Go Team Zoll.
Also, if you are reading this in an RSS feed, fret not: any posts labeled with the “My Pregnancy” category will not appear in your RSS feed. Hooray for some fancy PHP code and the magic of WordPress. Fingers crossed it works. We’ll find out tomorrow when I put up my first detailed “My Pregnancy” post.
This way, if you choose to follow along for all the gory details, you can always head to the Go Team Zoll page for the latest in my pregnancy mayhem. Just be prepared: lots of vagina and boob talk for sure. Sweet Jesus, already with the boobs. Would you expect anything less from me? I’ll also have a widget in the sidebar to the right listing the titles of the 5 most recent posts in the “My Pregnancy” category, too.
3. A prayer.
I am keenly aware that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. That’s another reason this post has been so challenging to write because I know many of you will be observing today in some way. I’m also keenly aware that I’m technically only five-ish weeks pregnant today, and that’s still very, very early. We have a VERY long road ahead of us.
I have a LOT more I want to say about recognizing today and the uniqueness of where I’m at right now since I’ve recognized this awareness day for the last two years. However, I’ll be sharing my thoughts in a separate post this evening around 8pm EST. Check it out tonight.
My prayer for each of you is this:
May your voice sing songs of joy.
May your heart be filled with abundance.
May your feet know grounded gratitude on a sure path.
May your hands find connection in another.
May your journey be memorable,
your wake profound and your destination reached.
4. A promise.
“What are you going to do about your blog?” Larry asked me, munching fries on Thursday. We had gone out to get burgers for lunch after we got the news.
“I plan to keep writing it,” I said. “It’s kind of my brand*, yanno? But it’s more than that.”
*I am such a Communications Major it hurts sometimes.
This blog is more than just a brand. It’s been my virtual home, an online community, a place of catharsis, refuge and empowerment. I have no intentions of ending this blog in the foreseeable future.
I imagine that some things will inevitably change, but at its heart, The Infertility Voice remains the same. The Infertility Voice will always be:
- An online empowerment resource for infertility patients seeking support and compassion during their family-building journeys;
- A voice to the infertility community’s needs, universality of experiences and above all else, the validity of our community’s desire to one day parent;
- An advocate to free infertility from cultural shame and silence and to catalyze a national, open and compassionate dialogue about infertility as a disease;
- An open forum for the entire infertility community: patients, prospective parents, legislators, leaders and organizations who seek to raise awareness of and advocate for the infertility community.
My guiding pillars are that The Infertility Voice empowers every one of you to live a fertile life, embrace hope, speak up and be informed. These will never change. How I approach those pillars might, but they make up the foundation of what this blog is about.
Just because I’ve seen two lines doesn’t mean I’m dropping everything to go become a mommyblogger, however loaded a term that may be AND to be honest – how much I kind of want to be one. I may have to start a side blogging project to work some of that out of my system but none of that belongs here. I’ve got a few bloggy ideas brewing.
I want every one of you to know that this blog exists for YOU, at the end of the day. And just because I’m pregnant, it doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten about you. Because you matter. Because your stories matter.
Even though I’m pregnant, I refuse to develop infertility amnesia.
I promise to fight harder for this community.
I promise to raise awareness like never before.
I promise to stay grounded and grateful.
I promise to honor the support you’ve shown me by NOT giving up on you.
I know that some of you will leave after this post. It’s inevitable and I respect that. I’ve done that too, moving away from a newly pregnant blogger after infertility just for the sake of my own emotional health. I know that this post, in all its joy means you might be saying goodbye to this blog. If you are going, please know that I wish you well – and one other very important thing:
You are always welcome back, no questions asked. I promise there will always be a place for you here. Because this blog is for you.
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. For the tweets. For the emails. For the comments. For the abundant goodness in the world, the kindness, the compassion, the grace – for hopes and prayers answered. For profound growth and trust in the unknown. For our egg donor. For witnessing a miracle of science, nature, faith, friendship and love. For new beginnings and adventures.
For Team Zoll #3.
And maybe even a #4